If You Like Piña Coladas

Given that lying on a sunbed whilst people bring me things to insert into my facehole is my new favourite thing in the world I figured I should do it as much as possible because, y'know, practice makes perfect, so we joined Vikki and Jen and headed to a beach I forget the name of. [...]

Hello, Feni, Meet My Liver

I have so many habits I need to drop as soon as I get back to the UK. The head wobble for one. Despite having exactly zero idea what it really means I appear to have adopted it and seem to use it without realising. If I keep doing it back home people will just [...]

Checking Out Old Goa

Sooooo you know what's not fun? Catching a bus with all of your bags when you're still not sure if your digestive system is ready to rejoin civilised society. I chucked a couple of precautionary tablets down my throat and we went to the end of the road to wait for the bus to Mapusa. [...]

Obligatory Death Trap Rental Day

I am literally the only person in the whole of Goa who insists on wearing a helmet whilst on a scooter. True story. It's not like the helmet in question would offer any manner of protection if I did fall off, it's a flimsy, cracked thing and I've seen better quality head gear in the [...]

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

It's awkward saying hello to your partner who you've not seen for nearly four months when you're queer in India, they've criminalised gays and lesbians here so we could only greet each other with sort of an awkward hug which sucks when all you want to do is snog someone's face off. I had no [...]

The Waiting Game

India is fucking huge, but you only realise how huge it really is when you try and get from one place to another. It takes 23 hours to get from Bangalore to Mumbai by train. Twenty three whole, actual hours. If you travelled anywhere in the UK for 23 hours by any means of transportation [...]

Just Quickly…

I'm in Bangalore on account of the fact it seemed like a vaguely sane place to book a train back up to Mumbai from. The fact that trains have to be booked half your life in advance means you have to hazard guesses about where you might want to be at some distant point in [...]

Turns Out Mysore Is Actually Worth A Visit

The bus journey to Mysore was a proper treat for the eyeholes. The spinal column though? Not so much. The road takes you through the tiger reserve so the scenery is gorgeous, but the only way to slow down drivers over here is with speed bumps. Lots and lots of those little triple bumps which [...]

Udhag… Udhagama… Bugger It. Ooty.

It was around 6am when I hopped off the bus in Udhagamandalam and all of the water in my face cells promptly froze. I'm not even shitting you. Ooty (as it's commonly known because Udhagamandalam just looks like drunk texting) is cold at this time of year. Fucking cold. We're talking frost on the ground, [...]

Sit There And Just Look Pretty, Sweetheart

Kodaikanal basically has one job and that's to sit there and look pretty, and it does it incredibly well. It's high up here, about 2100 m.a.s.l. so it gets pretty chilly at night which is basically a politer way of saying "Fuck my life, you could fashion diamonds with my nipples right now!" I'm not [...]