I didn’t do much in Mumbai on account of the fact I want to do it properly with the mrs when she comes to visit so I have decided to use bullet points for this very short post on account of the fact bullet points make things look tidy and important even if it’s a load of mindless, poorly thought out dross. This is also the reason I use bullet points in my CV.

Anyway. Things that happened in Mumbai. Go.

• You know that thing where you live about an hour away on the train from an old school friend but utterly fail to meet up with each other despite the fact you both keep saying it’s going to happen and when it finally does you’re several hundred miles away from aforementioned homes in Mumbai? Yeah. That. I don’t even know the last time I saw Shai, it’s been a ridiculous length of time. We had a lovely time catching up, though. I would prefer it to not be so long next time, please.

• I changed my mind about going to Malvan for some scuba diving after I realised how difficult it is to get affordable accommodation as a foreigner where foreigners don’t usually go. I’d gotten off the train in Bandra and was meant to get a train from Dadar the next day. Despite Shai staying with me in Bandra and asking for help and advice in Hindi and accompanying me through the slightly rapey looking back streets, I couldn’t find anything in my price range. I tried heading to Dadar, I was directed to places with poorly lit corridors that smelled like someone had just died only to be told their rooms were for Indians only, no foreigners allowed. Eventually I gave up. Fuck it. I caught a train to Colaba, found a guest house listed in the Lonely Planet and spent a couple of nights there re-evaluating my plans.

• I knew Mumbai was a coastal town but for some reason I didn’t picture the sea. I have no idea why, I think I just thought of it as a city with buildings and crowds. But there is definitely some sea going on there and it made me realise how much I miss it. People here walk dogs on leads and there are double decker buses. A shoe shine bloke I chatted to cares for 18 cats. Whilst I was on the train to Colaba, four trans women got on. Brighton? Is… is that you?

• I was the victim of the least dramatic dog attack ever. Seriously. I was wandering down the road in search of stuff to insert into my facehole when I felt a tug on my sandal. I looked back and a dog was slinking off into the road. A quick damage check later and yeah, the little fucker had gone for me for no reason, missed and got my footwear. And that’s why you should always get your jabs, kids. Feet look tasty to stray dogs in India. Either that or I managed to locate and walk too close to the only dog in Mumbai with a foot fetish. There’s a Jeremy Kyle show in there somewhere.

• I had a beer in Leopold’s because it’s the done thing in Mumbai. Just the one, though. I’m not a fucking millionaire. Someone suggested I try Gokuls around the corner so I rocked up and was shown through to the back room which was dark and smokey and it felt inappropriate to ask for a beer. I felt like I should get a whiskey or something then try and start a poker tournament. Except I can’t play poker and whiskey tastes like the spunk of Satan’s minions so I ordered a Romanov vodka. At 2.30pm. On my own. Oh, and a bottle of coke because I’m British like that.

• And in other news, everything just seems calmer where rickshaws aren’t allowed to go… Jus’ sayin’.

Mumbai, Maharashtra, India
Stayed at: India Guest House