We’ve not seen a lot of water gushing spectacularly over a rock face recently which is one of the downsides to mincing around the Tropics right at the end of the dry season. Actually it’s meant to be the start of the rainy season now but I believe it’s been a lot dryer than usual, not that you can tell with the nightly storms hurling insane amounts of water onto corrugated metal roofs as lighting pierces the flimsy curtains and thunder cracks so loudly you can feel it in your chest. It’s been pretty fucking epic. One day I might try and get a photo but that’ll involve being on a roof top terrace and I have a lightning rod for a face so we’ll see.

But there’s an attraction near Juayúa called the Siete Cascadas, the Seven Waterfalls, which sounded amazing because there’s only one thing better than a waterfall and that’s way more waterfalls. The more I read into it though the more it made my bumhole twitch a bit. You’re not just wandering along a lovely, defined trail whilst snapping duck face selfies in front of these incredible forces of nature, you’ve actually got to climb up one of the fuckers. There’s a rope involved and everything. I’m not very good at the whole climbing up rocks thing, I’m shit with heights, I have a tendency to freeze and have to be coaxed down.

Obviously I’m going to try anyway. I was told you need a guide for it which makes sense given the potential to get stuck halfway up a waterfall whilst questioning all of your life choices so I WhatsApped a woman called Elizabeth who sent us off with her brother, Elmer, and three other tourists. We were picked up from opposite the church and driven to a trailhead which led down. So far down. No one said anything about this, it was pretty treacherous given the nightly rain storms and a lot of bum shuffling happened but in my opinion the butt is a perfectly acceptable way to get down a hill.

Elmer asked me how old I was as I gingerly lowered myself down the dizzying height of about a foot. “Forty two,” I told him and he said the oldest woman he’d guided here was 72. Yeah but it’s not my age that’s the problem, mate, it’s the fact that I’m fucking scared of everything! I’m about as sure footed as a three legged giraffe on ketamine and I didn’t want to slip and impale my brain on a stick. We were all hot and sweaty as we got to the river, I was at the front and he said we had a choice; we go through the water or over the rocks. Well that’s a no brainer isn’t it, mate? If water is ever an option then water is the obvious choice.

Then there it was, waterfall #1, El Bebedero, and it was a stunner. We all had a quick cool off underneath it, so fucking refreshing and definitely worth the indignity of sliding down a muddy hill on my arse. #2 was only small but #3, El Arcoiris, matched the first one for general awesomeness. I stuck my head under it, obviously, which can be a bit of a dangerous game because you never know what the river is dragging along with it and subsequently hurling over the edge of any given waterfall. It’s worth the risk of a minor braining.

Waterfall #4 though, Escalata, this was the fucker we’d be climbing up. Or clinging to in sheer panic? We’d see. It actually looked very doable even to my “everything is out to get me” brain. It’s a very beautiful waterfall. Elmer quickly scaled up it and attached a rope to something at the top then climbed back down and explained the route. I asked to go first because the longer I waited the worse it would be and guys, it’s actually a piece of piss. I was stressing over nothing which is probably a good title for my autobiography given how much I do it.

I sat halfway up and waited for the others then we climbed up the rest of the way. Little tendrils of “you’re really high up, best sit down and cry” started to creep across my brain but I flatly ignored them and made it to the top. Go me. Such a brave little soldier, I assume the King has popped my medal in the post. I enjoyed putting #5, El 98, into my eyeholes as the others made their way up then we were straight onto my favourite of the day. I’m not sure what #6 is called as the little board with the name was facing away but you have to traverse the rocks as it belts down onto you from above. I thought you had to bring a dry bag on account of #4 but nope, this is where you get the significant drenching and it was incredible. Probably the best bit of trail ever.

Waterfall #7 though, La Cascada, that shit was just magical. It wasn’t just water cascading over the edge, water was pouring out through cracks in the cliff face at all angles with a backdrop of lush, green leaves. I’d never seen anything like it before and I’ve been to a lot of waterfalls. Like, a lot. You can scape some mud off the wall and put it on your face here if you like, it’s meant to be good for you, but I think I’d faced enough issues today without voluntarily applying stuff to my face. I don’t really like stuff on me but I’ll tolerate it in many circumstances but not right now and certainly not on my mug.

That was Las Siete Cascadas but we weren’t done with the tour yet. Probably a good thing given that two of our party now had mud smeared over their faces and needed to wash it off. It was a fair old walk to Los Chorros de la Calera, one which involved even more downhill, but when we arrived we were rewarded with another spectacular waterfall and a pool deep enough to swim in. Fucking glorious. We spent a short amount of time there before Elmer led us to another waterfall with an equally gorgeous pool. The pool has been dammed in with concrete but it’s still a great place to just chill for a bit and so we did.

Elmer whipped out his mangos. Not a euphemism, he really was carrying a whole bag of mangos around for us. So we shovelled those into our faceholes whilst just generally loving life. This was fucking bliss and we got to hang out here for pretty much as long as we wanted to before we had to tackle the walk back which, predictably, involved quite a brutal incline that not a single cell in my calf muscles enjoyed. Worth it though. This was an absolute highlight and not just of El Salvador, it was a highlight of our entire time in Central America, if not the whole Five Continent Fling.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Las Siete Cascadas & Los Chorros de la Calera, Juayúa, Sonsonate, El Salvador

Stayed at: Hostal Carolinas, Juayúa

Useful shit to know…

• We contacted a guide who had good reviews, Elizabeth, on WhatsApp. Her number is +50361137277.
• Her brother took us and he was great, he speaks good English too.
• If it was just the two of us it would have been US$15 each but as we were put with a bigger group it ended up being US$10 each.
• From the time we were picked up in Juayúa to the time we were dropped off it was four hours.
• I don’t think a guide is mandatory, there were no checkpoints or entrance fees to pay, but you’ll need a good GPS trail downloaded and a waterproof case for your phone. Some of the trail isn’t a trail, it’s a waterfall or two. You’ll also need to be pretty confident with some what I guess would be easy climbing if that’s the sort of thing you’re into. There are places where the trail splits too, or the trail is an easy-to-miss footpath off a bigger track, and there’s zero signage so yeah, make pretty sure you’ve got an accurate route on your phone. Most of the trails aren’t on Maps.ME either so that’s not going to help.