Take a shuttle, they said. It’ll be safer than public transport, they said. Chicken bus drivers are certifiable, they said. Well dear reader, I have never thought I was going to die on a chicken bus but our shuttle driver from Flores to Lanquin was an utter maniac, belting around the winding roads and overtaking on blind corners, half the time with his phone clamped to his ear having apparently hilarious conversations with his mates. I was sat at the front, I imagined all the ways I’d be thrown through the windscreen if he crashed. Obviously the seatbelts didn’t work. One bloke actually threw up. When we finally rolled into Lanquin I could have kissed the tarmac.

But anyway, we endured that nine hour roller coaster for Semuc Champey which is a series of impossibly blue cascades flowing over devastatingly photogenic rocks. You come here to put them in your eyeholes and also to frolic in them in watery bliss. You can do other shit too, there’s tubing to be done and there’s a cave you can visit whilst brandishing a candle, and we did have a proper think about whether we wanted to do these other things or not before deciding on not, actually, thank you very much. We’ve visited a fuck tonne of caves over the years and if the phenomenal ATM Cave is the last one we do on this trip then I’ll be happy. The tubing sounded nice buuuut yeah nah, we just wanted to head to the pools, wander up to the viewpoint then chill in the water.

One of the downsides of visiting at this time of year is the fact the water might turn brown on account of the rain but we figured we’d risk it for a biscuit and took advantage of the hostel transport to the natural monument. You’ll see these pick up trucks all over the place, humans crammed into the cage on the back. We were all loaded onto one of these and off we fucked…. until we were stopped by a road block. They’re working on the road at the moment and they’d closed it. Arguments ensued but what can you do? We were told it’d be forty minutes. We were obviously descended on by women and children flogging water, Coca Cola, coconuts etc so we spent the time politely declining objects.

Then we were off again, bumping over a muddy road. I think they’re widening and maybe sealing it? Fuck knows but I guess as the pools grow in popularity they want to make it easier to get there. But anyway, we were dropped in the car park, we made our way to the entrance and paid our money then took ourselves inside. We could see glimpses of the river and it looked pretty fucking blue to me. We decided to head up to the viewpoint first, the turnoff is downstream of the pools, and realistically you know it’s going to be really high up because you’ve seen the photos but a part of your brain is in some manner of denial. Like, it can’t be that hard, can it? Yeah so tell that to my poor legs.

It is up. It is so fucking up. It starts off with steps then it just continues to be steps for pretty much your whole life. My heart tried to make a break for freedom through my ribcage, my lungs begged for mercy, women and children at strategic rest points offered us water, Coca Cola and coconuts and we politely declined between gasps. It was really quite brutal and also slippy so we were clinging onto the wooden hand rail like our knees and elbows depended on it because they bloody well did. There are benches along the way, and at one point a very old lady with a walking stick hobbled the other way. Well if abuela can do it then so can we.

We did, and it’s so honestly worth it. You’re high up enough to fit all the pools in your frame for that classic smug “look where I am” photo. When I first saw that photo I thought it had been taken with a drone and we’d never get that view but here we were, slightly broken but exceptionally chuffed with ourselves. We just enjoyed it for a bit before we started the long old slog back down the hill. It’s a circular walk though so it’s a fresh hell you’re inflicting on your knees and eventually you’re spat out upstream of the pools. We were dripping sweat by this point, it was so bastard hot and humid. We got straight into the water and cooled right off.

This place is nothing short of magical, it really is worth the effort to get here. The water is so clear, the rocks it flows over are beautiful. Apparently there’s a high concentration of calcium carbonate in the water and this is what causes the formations. Pretty much all we did was laze in it whilst tiny fish nibbled on our dead skin. That was all fun and games until the bigger fish showed up and tried to make off with a limb.

We’d brought a burrito from the hostel so we shovelled that into our chops like we were raised by wolves before relocating to a different pool just because we could. About the food though, we’d met a couple of people that had gotten sick whilst visiting Semuc Champey and I’d also read it was disproportionately common for people to get ill here. A woman we met blamed the caves after three of the four of them ended up pooing and spewing. Some reviews I read very firmly blamed specific restaurants. And the woman at the hostel, when we asked if we could buy food there, said we could but many people get sick because they use water from the pools to make the food. Oh. Yes. Well. That might do it but regardless of the reason it’s a thing that happens which is why we hauled a giant fucking burrito you could derail trains with all the way here.

We spent about two and a half hours just chilling, we were suitably wrinkly, then we headed off to get changed and go in search of a beer whilst we waited for the tour group. That’s the downside of the hostel transport, we had to wait. We’d already paid for it too so we charged a small boy with the task of finding us a couple of beers and just waited in the truck. Okay now that’s in writing I see how it sounds but we’d asked a driver where we could buy beer and he’d pointed to the lad and said he’d go get it for us. He was old enough to know to add a little markup for his effort so I’m not feeling too Victorian about it. Getting home though, that was an event. You remember the roadworks? We pulled up behind a queue of vehicles waiting because they’d closed the road again. The guide went to find out the situation.
“Fifteen minutes,” he told us. Cool, not too bad. No point in getting a beer from the woman and children that descended on us as soon as we parked. We wouldn’t be able to drink it whilst bouncing over the road without taking out an eye.

Fifteen minutes came and went and we were told it would be another fifteen minutes which were apparently turning into Latin American minutes. Then he approached the truck, very apologetic, and told us we’d be there until 6pm. I checked the time; 5.15pm. Well it’s hardly your fault is it, mate? And I think we will have those beers now please, lady with a bucket of Corona. We did eventually start moving and the rain started pissing down but no one was particularly bothered. We stayed in Lanquin rather than Semuc Champey because we fully intended to explore the town and eat at local comedores but it turns out Lanquin consists entirely of hills and with the pissing rain in full swing well, fuck it. We’d just go back to the hostel for some disappointing, expensive tourist food. At least they had hammocks.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Semuc Champey, Alta Verapaz, Guatemala

Stayed at: Hostal Vista Verde, Lanquin

Useful shit to know…

Tourist Shuttle From Flores To Lanquin

• The shuttle goes at 8am every day.
• We bought our tickets from Los Amigos for Q150.
• The shuttle left from the parking near the I ❤️ Petén sign at coordinates 16.928443, -89.891315.
• There were two scheduled stops; one after about 2.5 hours for the toilet then a longer one at the McDonald’s in Cobán to get food and pick up more people.
• The road is, for the most part, very winding so if you get travel sick don’t forget to take your tablets.
• It took eight hours and 45 minutes and and left us in Lanquin at the Exon gas station.
• If you’re staying in Semuc Champey you still have 11kms to go. Your hostel should be able to come and fetch you. There were several guys from different hostels waiting with transport.

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• If you’re staying in Lanquin, to get to Semuc Champey you can head into the centre and someone in a pick up truck will likely ask if you want to go to Semuc Champey.
• You’ll be stood in the back of the truck holding onto a cage.
• It’ll probably cost Q25 one way.
• When you’re ready to come back, head into the car park and ask the drivers about colectivos to Lanquin.
• We just used the transport offered by our hostel which was Q60 return.
• It costs Q50 to get into Semuc Champey Natural Monument.
• Your hostel will probably offer tours to the caves and tubing. Vista Verde charged Q123 for an all in tour.