You have to book your tickets for the Real Alcázar quite far in advance if you want to be fussy about when you want to go and I would highly recommend you go as early as you can unless you’re really quite fond of standing in a line of other humans, likely in stifling heat if you’re visiting any other time than the dead of winter. Contrary to popular belief, despite being British, this isn’t a pastime we cherish.

We started queuing at 9am, half an hour before the place even opened, at the Lion Gate which is easily identified by the lion that looks like it took one too many pills on a night out emblazoned over the top of the door. We were maybe five people back and as we stood there a huge queue started to form behind us. Tour guides took it upon themselves to make sure everyone in that queue had the right entry time. Technically we didn’t, we should have been in the 10am queue, but we had to get to the royal rooms by 9.45am, the doors didn’t open until 9.30am, everyone had to pass through security, and all this shit takes time even if you’re right at the front so we were allowed to remain in that queue.

Once we were in we beelined for the Cuarto Real Alto, literally the Upper Royal Quarters, which is still the official residence of the Spanish royal family in Seville hence all the extra security. No cameras here, mate. They’ve got to go in a locker with your bag which they put through a scanner, even though you’ve just put it through a scanner downstairs, but I guess when this is where the country’s poshest family hangs out when they’re in town you can’t be too careful. We were all handed an audio guide and had to press the buttons at the same time on the count of three then we were led from room to tapestry adorned room by two security guards, guided by the device clamped to our ears telling us exactly what we were looking at. Obviously I remember very little but it was all super interesting and we got some cracking views of some of the lower rooms from above.

Right then, once we’d retrieved our belongings from the locker we headed back downstairs and scanned the QR code for the audioguide for the rest of the Alcázar which isn’t, it turns out, pronounced al-kah-ZARRR at all which would make sense if you can read accents properly. I, dear reader, cannot. It’s more of an al-KAH-thah. So I must have been looking like a right twat with my “Oh yes, we’re going to the al-kah-ZARRR you know, booked way in advance of course.” Anyway. It’s spectacular is what it is. The Palace of Peter I is the highlight of course, built in the Mudéjar style so you’d be forgiven for thinking this Catholic lad was actually an Islamic king, largely on account of the Arabic writing declaring that “None but Allah conquers. The Mudéjar style apparently combines Catholic and Islamic elements and you’re looking at some incredible detail carved into walls, ceilings and archways. I’m just going to leave a few photos here, it’s one of those things you really need to put in your eyeholes yourself.

It’s a long old stroll around the palace, edging through throngs of humans all gawping upwards like slack-jawed imbeciles, just as we were, but I’m going to try and kid myself that we were rather more attractive whilst doing so. Nothing like a spot of denial to go with your touristing. We decided to chill in the gardens for a little bit to give Tarrant’s leg a rest, then figured we probably didn’t need to see the gothic palace. We were a bit palaced out. I don’t think you can really top Peter’s effort either to be fair so we headed off and meandered towards the river. There’s a tower here, Torre de Oro, which is also a naval museum but I just wanted to go up it for the views. Tarrant had exactly zero interest in going up anything resembling a tower after the Giralda yesterday so I left her in the the sunshine and went to get my high-up photos.

We had a little stroll along the waterfront and you know what it’s missing? Bars. Humans love applying motor impairment beverages to their faceholes whilst gawping at water, we’re all over that shit. It’d be great to have a couple of floating bars or two, just nestled along the river, waiting to off a few braincells here and there. We wandered to the very photogenic bridge and crossed it into Triana where we found a bar right on a corner in full sunshine. Unusually, we seemed to be the only foreigners. The tapas weren’t as good as Bar Alfalfa though, the salmorejo we’d had there will clearly be one of those things I periodically think about and can never have again. The stuff here at La Cintas was tasteless and a bit gloopy, but the beer was cold and fizzy and that’s pretty much all I ask a beer to be.

People bang on about the market here, apparently it’s THE place to grab food and a drink but with it still being a bit chilly in the shade which is fair enough on account of the fact it’s the middle of February we chose to do all of that in the sunshine, then wandered through the market afterwards. I don’t get the obsession with markets. I go to them in all the cities that people say you should because, y’know, FOMO and all of that, but I’m always a bit underwhelmed. Oh yay, a place to buy shit I don’t need at vastly inflated prices because the market has become a tourist attraction. I guess because I find cooking one of the most tedious things in the world I can’t get all excited about the fresh veggies, and as much as I love jamón ibérico I’m hardly going to buy a whole fucking leg of it and try to cram it into my carry-on luggage. I think Ryanair would have strong opinions on that. I think UK customs would have even stronger opinions.

Next stop, the ceramics museum. There’s used to be a metric fuck tonne of ceramic factories in Triana and there’s a little museum in one of them which is quite interesting. It probably explains the city-wide obsession with tiles, there are tiles everywhere, I adore it. Usually tiled photos of religious imagery attached to the side of buildings. I am very attracted to all of these tiles and I’ve spent quite a lot of time wondering how many tiles I can get away with applying to various walls at home before Tarrant puts her foot down and/or leaves me. Anyway, they still have the old kilns and videos of guys that used to work there at what was the Santa Ana factory telling you how things were done.

Different kilns did different things, you had to put certain colours in certain parts of the kiln because some colours can’t handle too much heat. There were videos about the guys who did the painting too. Pretty much the whole process is explained. There aren’t any working ceramics factories here any more but there are definitely gift shops and you know you’re inching unceremoniously to half a century on this earth when you start eyeing up souvenir ceramic plates and thinking, “Ooh now THEY look collectable!” Tarrant has pre-emptively vetoed plates but I was permitted yet another magnet. I think that brings our total to three for this trip alone, and it’s only day two.

We had a bit of a wander around the neighbourhood, sat down and had another beer because fuck it, we’re on holiday, then wandered back towards Las Setas and up to a rooftop bar which is pretty much the best way to get a bit of sunshine in Seville at this time of year. Usually you’re in the shade of orange trees or particularly attractive buildings but plenty of hotels open their terraces to the public so we can all enjoy turning slightly red whilst getting slightly inebriated. I’m sure if we were here in the summer we’d be scrabbling for shade and air conditioning but right now? Let me have that Vitamin D, please.

Just around the corner from where we were staying is Bar El Comercio, proudly announcing that their specialities are breakfast, and churros and chocolate. We walked past it and it always looked busy, with locals going about their daily lives in the morning, then it seemed to be more touristy as the day went on. You’d always see people wandering around, clutching a bouquet of churros and a little takeaway cup of chocolate. Obviously we wanted in on this but ideally whilst sat at the bar sipping a glass of something local so we swung by at around 5ish and nabbed the last two seats at the bar. They do have seating in the back but I get quite a lot of joy out of being a barfly.

The “something local” we decided to sip was vino de naranja, orange wine. The abundance of orange trees in Seville wouldn’t have escaped your notice unless you’ve been walking around with your head up your arse, but Seville oranges are not a delicious snack. They are the devil’s ballsack, apparently more bitter than watching your ex snog your crush on your birthday. You would only find one of these in your Christmas stocking if you’d spent the year kicking puppies, you absolute bastard. These oranges are used for shit like making marmalade and flavouring booze which is quite the redeeming feature, so it was the booze we had. Dear gosh, it is sweet. So very, very sweet. That combined with the pile of churros and the melted chocolate we were applying to our faceholes and I felt like I’d be taking my teeth home in a small bag.

As we sat and consumed enough sugar to keep an elephant up for three days, people started to queue up for a table. There must have been about fifteen people waiting by the time we paid up and left. Oh and it’s worth noting that Tarrant isn’t meant to have dairy as it has a detrimental effect on her sinuses so along with the dentist I plan to have waiting for us when we land at Manchester on Sunday I might also arrange for an excavator to clear the mucus from her face.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Sevilla, Provincia de Sevilla, Andalucía, España

Stayed at: Singular Metropol, Sevilla

Useful shit to know…

• If you want to buy your ticket for the Real Alcázar on the day you absolutely can but take your passport and be prepared to queue. You can only pay by card. There’s also no guarantee you’ll get a ticket.
• We bought ours several weeks in advance online and managed to get the last two tickets for the 10am time slot that included the royal rooms.
• It’s €15.50, unless you do want to see Cuarto Real Alto (royal rooms) then it’s €21. I think it’s worth the extra money.
• If you’re seeing the Cuarto Real Alto then you need to be there an hour before your time slot. It doesn’t open until 9.30am though so if, like us, you have the 10am ticket I’d still advise you start queueing at 9am. The queue built up behind us quite quickly. We were allowed to stay in the 9.30am queue due to our Cuarto Real Alto ticket.
• You have to actually be at the Cuarto Real Alto 15 minutes before the time on your ticket so again, I stress, get there early as there will be queues.
• Once you’re inside, head across the courtyard to a set of stairs and head straight up there for the royal rooms if that’s where you’re going.
• You have to go through security to get into the Real Alcázar, and again to get to the royal rooms, where you’re not allowed to take photos and you have to leave everything in a locker.
• You can show your ticket on your phone. No need to print.
• The audioguide is free and you scan a QR code on your phone. It’s an idea to bring earphones for this.

• Entry to Torre de Oro is by donation. €3 was suggested and it’s card only.
• The Ceramics Centre of Triana cost €2.10 each.