• Sunday – UFO tower
• Monday – City walking tour
• Tuesday – Hrad Devín
• Wednesday – Wine tasting
• Slovak food & drink

Tarrant lost her penknife weeks ago. We had no idea where it might have been. She’d periodically turn the house upside-down looking for it to no avail, it was quite the mystery. Of course Manchester airport terminal 3 security had no problems finding it in the side pocket of my bag and no, neither of us has a fucking clue what it was doing there. Clearly I’ve convinced myself that I’ll have been placed on some manner of watch list now and I’ll be swabbed for drugs and bombs if I so much as stray within three miles of an airport.

Anyway! Bratislava. My first solo trip since India, probably on account of the fact I managed to convince Tarrant that travel is the best thing ever around 2017 and we’ve done every trip together since. My Ryanair flight was uncharacteristically punctual, we touched down on time, I was one of the first off the plane and promptly chose the All Passports queue with the fucking trainee so I was still the last out of the airport. No matter, I wasn’t in a rush, I’m on my holidays afterall and I had time to kill before I could check into my hostel.

I deliberately got off the bus from the airport with a view to walking the last little bit to the hostel so I could put things into my eyeholes as I went. I saw a couple of statues (Bratislava is very fond of statues) and the radio tower which is like an inverted pyramid. No idea why they went for that shape but I’ve since heard it described as the ugliest building in the country which is a bit harsh, though I think Khufu, architect of the Great Pyramid, would be turning in his sarcophagus if he’d not (probably) been eaten by the Victorians. It was a Sunday so it was pretty dead but first impressions were good. It’s clean though there’s a bit of graffiti, but some of it reads “Trans Anarchy Now” so I approve.

I headed into 1. Slovak Pub not long after it opened, was greeted in English so it’s obviously a tourist pub but fuck it, I’m not here to practice my Slovak, and sank a couple of Kláštorný ležiaky (Kláštorný being the name of the brewery which is right here in Bratislava, ležiak meaning lager, the y is added to pluralise it) then made my way to Patio Hostel and the twin room I’d booked all to myself because I’ve got an income now, mate. I’m not travelling long term and trying to save every penny at the expense of comfort and quite probably sleep, so quite frankly fuck dorm rooms even if I am travelling solo. We stayed in a few dorms during our last Big Trip where budgeting was important and I think I’m pretty much done with them. Plus I snore as slightly overweight 40-somethings are wont to do. It would have been an unpleasant experience for everyone involved.

The 3am start caught up with me and I slipped a cheeky nap in before shuffling back out into the city. I had no big plans for this afternoon, I honestly thought there’d be some manner of delay, so I figured I’d go have a look at the city from really fucking high up. The UFO tower is, at 95 metres, the shortest member of the World Federation of Great Towers which apparently is a thing that exists. The Eiffel Tower is one but not, it seems, Blackpool Tower which I initially thought was an absolute travesty but it looks like it’s a paid membership thing. Blackpool Tower is probably just too cool. I parted with €11.90 to take one of those lifts that convince your eardrums you’re enroute to space for those sweet, sweet views over the city. Maybe I’ve been living in Yorkshire for long enough for the famously frugal “how bloody much” mindset to rub off on me but I thought that was quite a lot for what you get.

The views are cracking to be fair, you can see for absolute miles. I paced around the tiny observation deck and pointed my camera at everything, trying to scrape my money’s worth out of it. Then went to the bar they have up there. Just for the one, mind, and a small one at that because I thought the cost of it would have made me cry. It did. This Zlatý Bažant beer everyone bangs on about is also an inferior beer to the Kláštorný I had earlier. I said what I said.

I more or less finished up my day there. I was still feeling a bit fuzzy after the early start and I just wanted to chill ready for a good day of some hard touristing the next day. It was also over 30° and I’d had some beers so my brain was actually taking liquid form by this point and I wanted to sit in front of a fan and read a book. I never read at home but I’ll smash through a book every couple of days when I’m on holiday. I had to start getting into digital books because I just can’t cart that much butchered rainforest around with me when it has to join the rest of my possessions and fit under a seat on a Ryanair flight.

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So. Monday. My first full day in Slovakia’s capital then. Despite pindropping every single attraction in Bratislava on a map I still decided to book myself on to one of those Guruwalk tours where you follow an enthusiastic local around the city then pay what you feel at the end. Martina was actually brilliant, she’s hilarious in like three languages I’m assuming, given that she speaks three languages and she was hilarious in English. The plan was to walk through the city whilst she touched on bits of history as we all huddled in the shade, finishing at the castle.

Slovakia, it turns out, has a looooong history of being part of several empires. After Great Moravia (no, I’ve never heard of it either) it became part of the Kingdom of Hungary which was battered by the Ottomans who killed the king, who hadn’t sired a son, and Heaven forbid a woman take charge, so they had their own Game of Thrones (Martina’s words) which the Austrian Habsburgs won and they became part of the Austro-Hungarian empire. Still with me? Martina was a lot more entertaining in her telling than I am, I’ll be honest.

Anyway. Bratislava was made the capital and the coronation city of the empire so it was kind of a big deal. After WWI the empire fell and Czechoslovakia was formed. The Slovaks were doing pretty well until Hitler showed up, separated them, and turned Slovakia into a Nazi puppet state. Pretty dark times for everyone but especially the 70000 Jews who were sent to concentration camps with full backing of the Slovak/Nazi leaders. We all know how that war ended, Czechoslovakia was reformed but fell under Communist rule until 1989. Then in 1993 Czech and Slovakia amicably split and now we’re here. Yay!

It’s worth noting, however, that Bratislava itself has never been conquered. It’s been attacked and there’s a cannonball fired by Napoleon’s forces embedded in the town hall to prove it. I don’t know if it just stayed there so they plastered it in, or if they picked it up off the floor and plastered it into a cannonball hole, but it’s kind of a cool “fuck you” to invaders I think.

Martina pointed out a few things as we meandered through the city including a statue of a bloke crawling out of a manhole who is, apparently, the most famous statue. There was a water fountain that served birds humans and horses, and a holocaust memorial on the site of an old synagogue which was demolished along with the entire Jewish Quarter to make way for the huge highway and bridge that the UFO tower straddles. Bratislava is a great city. It’s clean, safe and walkable with a nice vibe, but it’s not pretty like Prague and this is apparently on account of the fact in the 60s they decided that one of the two capitals needed to be the industrial capital. The bridge leads over to Petržalka which is apparently one of the most densely populated suburbs in Central Europe.

Time for the slog up to the castle which, fortunately, has all manner of exciting things enroute such as views and shade and a water fountain so you can stay hydrated in the bastard heat. I mean, I’m trying to stay hydrated but honestly I feel like I’ve drank an ocean’s worth of H2O and I’m still pissing treacle. It’s just sweaty, sweaty hot hot hot. As we strolled Martina told us about the things we were putting in our eyeholes until we finally arrived at the castle.

So apparently no one really knows how old it is, it was first mentioned in an account of some manner of battle in the 900s, so it was already there then but fuck knows for how long. Obviously it didn’t look like it does now. It’s been expanded and renovated over the years thus becoming the big, white block of beauty you see before you today. We didn’t go inside, there’s a museum but she said don’t bother unless you can give it three hours. I did not want to give it three hours. I had shit to do, beer to drink, various Slovak foods to apply liberally to my facehole.

Talking of food, she took ten minutes at the end of the tour to tell us all about Slovak food and drink. This is one of the first things I research as soon as I book flights because I am a greedy fat fuck but I did learn about a couple of things that had thus far dodged my radar. Good good. More things to scoff. Most Slovak food, it seems, is an utter assault on the digestive system. I’ll touch on it properly at the end of this post but I do tend to feel like I need to go for a nice lie down as everything I just consumed slowly expands in my already quite ample stomach.

That’s where she left us to our own devices so I had a little bit of a wander around to look at more viewpoints before heading back down the way we came via the water fountain because the 750ml I just drank had exited through my pores, then I just pottered around the city looking at the various statues it has dotted about the place whilst waving my photographic device at everything. It really is a lovely, walkable, clean place. I very much liked it.

I stopped off at Bratislava Flagship which is where the Kláštorný brewery is located (there weren’t any tours available whilst I was there) for some food and a tasty, cold motor impairment beverage then activated The Routine, whereby I go back to the hostel for a nap in front of the fan before heading back out for more food and beer. I mean, is it really a routine if you’ve only done it twice?

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Tuesday then, and after breakfast I caught a bus to Hrad Devín because whilst I do like a castle, I like bits of a castle even more. Public transport in Bratislava, by the way, is an utter delight. Admittedly I’ve not tried getting around during rush hour, I would imagine that would be akin to the second circle of Hell like most cities, but the buses have been punctual and air conditioned, and buying tickets is a piece of piss with the IDS BK app. If you don’t want to use an app there are ticket machines by the bus stops. Just buy a ticket, seriously, it’s so fucking cheap and the fine is, like, €50 or something. Two lads were caught out, at one point the inspector gestured towards me, I can only assume he was like, “Even the fucking foreigner knows she needs a ticket!”

Okay so Hrad Devín was an absolute highlight for me, I’m a sucker for a ruin. There are two trails, neither of them long, both of them well paved, with the basic trail just taking you straight to the middle and upper ruins and the extended trail showing you the remains of the walls. I opted for the latter. So there’s evidence of settlements here from what can only be described as Ages Ago, like 6th century BC kind of timeframes, then during the Great Moravia period the hillfort was the power centre of the area. A stone castle was built in the second half of the 13th century to protect the Kingdom of Hungary’s western border, then it changed ownership over the years and was added to.

I shuffled around taking it all in, then once you’re at the middle castle you get a pretty stunning view of the confluence of the Danube and the Morava rivers which is a phenomenon I’ll never get bored of. The Morava is a dark green colour and the Danube is much lighter so where they meet is very obvious. It kind of looks like not only were they not expecting it but neither party is particularly happy about it.

There’s a room here with information boards about what happened to freedom of movement when the iron curtain fell and Czechoslovakia came under Communist rule. It’s relevant on account of Devin’s proximity to the border, you could stand at the top of the castle and piss onto Austria. Like, don’t, obviously, that’d be gross and actually quite rude. But you could. One of the first things that happened was they stopped all travel abroad, and quite forcibly at that, with barbed wire, electric fences, landmines, and men with big fucking rifles. At one point they started indoctrinating literal children to do patrols to spot people trying to defect. So it does kind of seem like once Hitler removed his hand from their arse things didn’t actually get much better. It makes for very interesting reading but it does make you pleased you live in a democracy, even if the voting doesn’t always go your way and no, I’m still not over Brexit and I don’t think I ever will be.

There’s a little trailer selling drinks just before you climb up to the upper castle and I have not clue how they got it up there but they did so I sat in the shade and drank a Kofola, which is a Slovak cola drink you get on draft. Apparently under Communism people missed the taste of Coca Cola so they started making this, though I think they’d forgotten what Coca Cola tasted like because it’s nothing like this. It’s definitely a cola beverage but somehow more… herby? Hard to explain when you have the palate of a springer spaniel. I do like it though, I’ve been drinking it when I’ve not fancied a beer just yet because I want to retain my basic motor functions for just a little while longer.

The upper castle was apparently blown up by the French for literally no fucking reason. They’d just won the Battle of Wagram, the castle had no strategic military importance, they possibly just wanted to humiliate the Austrians who at the time controlled the area. Wanton destruction for no cause. Seriously, Napoleon. This is why no one liked you. The views are predictably incredible over Austria, it’s such a beautiful place, this whole area. At the risk of sounding like a massive hippy my heart was kinda full of joy, just gawping at it all. Trouble is now I want Tarrant to see it so I’m going to have to come back with her at some point and do it all again. Oh well. Never mind. Gives me an excuse to shovel more of those cheesy dumplings I’ve become obsessed with into my chops. More on those delightful, stodgy digestive system fillers later.

Anyway, The Routine stands! Touristing in the morning, food and tasty cold beverages, back to the hostel to lie half naked in front of a fan and to have a little nap, back out to consume more carbohydrates. I was very much enjoying this. I will admit it, there’s not a huge amount of things to do here as a tourist unless you’re really into museums but I have to be in the right mood for a museum. If it’s your thing then you’re spoilt for choice, there are plenty to choose from. I’ve no idea which one would be the best though. I suppose it depends what you’re into.

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My flight on Wednesday wasn’t until quite late so I took the opportunity to consume more Kofola and cheesy dumplings which are actually called bryndzové halušky and they are the way and the light. I could eat them all day despite Martina’s claims that they’re very filling. Yes Martina, they are if you’re a normal human but I have the capacity to consume entire worlds as long as they’re covered in cheese. Possibly the reason I’ve had to upsize my entire wardrobe. Might have to do something about that if I want my heart to continue functioning for the foreseeable, I already feel like my arteries are encased in curds and I’ve only been here for three nights.

Then I went off to do some wine tasting. Not just any wine tasting though, this is the most batshit wine tasting I’ve ever come across and it takes place at the Slovak National Collection of Wines near the town hall. They basically take €36 off you then release you into an 18th century wine cellar where you can, unsupervised mind you, sample up to 72 different wines in 100 minutes. What the actual fuck?! Is this what Heaven is like? Actually probably not, Heaven would definitely have those cheesy dumpling knocking around too. I was given a glass, a jug of water, a plate of bread and spittoon. Ha, spittoon, cute, like I’m going to spit it out, mate. I basically did my absolute best to look sophisticated whilst making noises like, “Hmm” as I sipped on various whites and rosés from sweet to dry. Turns out I’m not averse to a semi-sparkling rosé, I’ve never really entertained the idea of a rosé before because I associate it with that horrific zinfandel stuff that hen parties are fond of.

Some of the wines were really lovely. Some I did actually spit out because they were a bit shit. Some would be great with food but not so great on their own and we have Tarrant to thank for the fact I can actually tell this is a thing these days. Gone are my two for £6 bottles of wine days. I’ll still go for a £5.50 Co-op soave but I think you’ll agree that’s still an improvement. By the time I got to the reds I was kind of over it a bit. Without someone else to discuss each wine with it was getting a bit tedious so I just went for the most expensive wines. They have them displayed with the per-bottle price tag. Yeah, so not a fan, I prefer the cheaper stuff, turns out I am still a complete peasant after all. I tore myself away, ever so slightly buzzed, and figured I should probably try and be less tipsy for my flight.

Fortunately I think you’ll have realised by now that Slovak food consists entirely of stodge so I took myself off to my favourite restaurant, Viecha U Sedliaka, to shovel some more bryndzové halušky into my chops before availing myself of the delights of the city’s public transport system (I’m not even being sarcastic, I fucking love it!) to get back to the airport. Bratislava, you have been a joy. I was only in you because the flights were cheap and direct from Manchester but you have been surprisingly wonderful. It’s whetted my appetite for more of Slovakia too, I’d love to see it before the influencers get their destructive little paws on it. I wonder where does the best cheesy dumplings in the country?

Slovak Food & Drink

As promised, here’s a rundown of the various things I applied to my facehole during my time in Bratislava.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Bratislava, Slovakia

Stayed at: Patio Hostel, Bratislava

Useful shit to know…

Getting Around

• Public transport seems to be cheap, clean and reliable.
• Tickets are easily bought from the yellow ticket machines by stops or with the IDS BK app. If you use the former you’ll need to validate your paper ticket by putting it into the yellow machine when you get on the bus or tram.
• I used the app. It was super easy and it gives you a countdown from when you buy it, or you can choose to activate it a set number of minutes after you buy it if, say, your bus isn’t due for five minutes. This is important because it counts down the time as soon as it’s activated.

• I tied myself in knots trying to work out the significance of zones but I think you just need to go with the time your ticket is valid for.
• If you search your start point and destination within the app it’ll give you a list of buses or trams and you can click the link directly within the search to buy the appropriate ticket. It’ll even automatically delay activation until the bus or tram is due.

• Public transport is integrated in Bratislava so you can change as many times as you need to as long as your ticket is valid, and you can combine buses and trams if you need to.
• For example, when I returned to the airport I needed a 60 minute ticket. I had to catch a tram then change onto a bus. The whole thing took maybe 40 minutes.
• When I went to Hrad Devín I only needed to buy a 30 minute ticket as the journey takes 20 minutes. I panicked on the way there in case there were delays or traffic and bought 60 minutes anyway but I didn’t need to.
• You don’t need to show the driver your ticket, just get on. Ticket inspectors are very casually dressed but you’ll know them by a metal tag they carry, plus their PDAs. I just showed them my ticket counting down on the app.
• The buses and trams have displays showing you the next stop which is announced both in English and Slovak. You really can’t go wrong.
• You’ll need to request your stop with the bell on the buses but it looks like trams just stop everywhere.

From The Airport

• Bus 61 goes to and from the airport but doesn’t go all the way into the city. It goes as far as hlavná stanica, the main train station. You can either walk from there or use Google maps to find out where you need to change.
• If you’re going to just go to hlavná stanica I think a 30 minute ticket will do but if you’re going to change and take transport further in then you’ll need a 60 minute ticket.
• The bus stop at the airport is stop C, it’s signposted, it’s easily found. Coordinates are 48.170841, 17.20038. It’s the one right at the far end.

Visiting Hrad Devín

• You’ll need the number 29 bus and a 30 minute, 2 zone ticket which at the time of writing cost €1.09 in the app.
• The bus stop is underneath the SNP bridge/Most SNP. It’s actually signposted because lots of tourists want to go there. Coordinates are 48.139974, 17.104432.
• The stop you need to get off at is literally called Hrad Devín, the display inside the bus will tell you when you’re there, then you need to walk the rest of the way but it’s not far.
• To get back just wait on the other side of the road, you’ll see the bus stop.
• It cost €8 to get in, I paid by card.

• It’s cheaper in the off season, and it’s free with the Bratislava Card.
• There are toilets by the car park and more toilets by the middle ruins. There’s a drinking water fountain at the middle ruins too.
• The castle is closed on Mondays.

Miscellaneous

• Bratislava is a clean, walkable, safe city but on the walking tour we were warned to be aware of pickpockets.
• There are free public toilets dotted around the city, and there’s one which costs 70c (coins only) at Hostel ZERO near Michael’s Gate.
• Tap water is drinkable, take a refillable bottle. There are a few refill points around the city but I’m not sure if they all work. The horse fountain at coordinates 48.142059, 17.106471 works, as does the one on the way up to the castle. But there was one in the castle grounds that didn’t work.

• The currency is the Euro. I found card was accepted pretty much everywhere without fuss but later found out that cash is much preferred due to high transaction costs.
• I use a UK Starling Mastercard so I don’t have any fees from my bank, but VUB ATM wanted to charge €5 for a withdrawal. Prima Banka was free to withdraw money. I’ve been advised to completely avoid any ATM with Euronet written on it as the fees are borderline criminal.

• Lots of places are closed on Mondays with the exception of the museum at Bratislava Castle and Michael’s Gate. These are closed on Tuesday.
• For the walking tour I used Discover Bratislava booked through Guruwalk. Once there we were told that actually it didn’t matter if you hadn’t booked.
• Slovak is the language but I found English was widely spoken and the pubs and restaurants had menus in English too.
• There’s a per person per night city tax payable on check in regardless of whether you paid for your accommodation online or not. I paid €3.50 per night.

BUDGET for one person travelling solo for 4 days.
Accommodation: £118.58
City tax: £9.04
Buses, trams: £5.08
Eating out: £92.06
Booze: £30.48
Tours: £12.92
Entrance fees: £17.14
Activities: £31
Souvenirs: £9.81
Everything else: £5.67

GRAND TOTAL: £331.77
Average per person per day: £82.94

Obviously I could have done it cheaper if I drank less booze and cooked at the hostel. I booked a private twin just for me too, I could have booked a dorm bed.