We got a relatively early start on Monday on account of The Chores. Supermarkets don’t open on Sundays in Montenegro (convenience shops do so don’t panic, you can still buy beers) so we wanted to get some grocery shopping done in the morning, plus we needed some camping gas for the few nights we’d planned to be in the tent, and we needed to do the tourist registration. It’s not enough that you have to pay the actually very reasonable tourist tax of €1 per person per night (plus 30c admin fee) but you have to tell them where you’re staying complete with the name of the owner. If you’re in a hotel they’re meant to do it for you but we were in an apartment so off we fucked to tourist information to get it done.

Right. Chores completed, time to head to the beach for some flesh crisping. There’s a beach right there in Budva but it’s a bit chaotic and you’re not allowed to eat or drink on the beach and what’s a flesh crisping session without a tasty, cold motor impairment beverage to help lubricate the day? If you walk past the old town you can follow a walkway under the cliffs to Mogren Beach, then if you want you can walk through a short, moist tunnel to Mogren II but it all looks a bit fancy on that side with its plush sunbeds and giant restaurant looming over it. Give me a sunbed that grazes your arse if you sit on it without a towel and a scrappy little beach bar any day.

I don’t think we’ve ever swam in the Adriatic before so we ticked that one off throughout the day as we hopped in and out of the beautiful, clear water to cool off and/or have a wee. Whilst I’ll cheerfully hand over €5 for a beer with an insulting quantity of foam on top of it I’ll be buggered if I’m paying a Euro to use the bog. It’s a lovely beach, much better than the one nearer the town. Sunbeds are a bit more expensive but that’s fine, it’s much nicer. It even has a cordoned off section in the water so you don’t inadvertently get lobotomised by a jetski and start thinking that Donald Trump actually makes a lot of sense.

Tarrant rotated herself like a lamb on a spit whilst I arranged my fat rolls under the parasol as far away from the sand as possible. It’s quite a gritty sand so it’s not as upsetting as the tinier particles of evil that you’re shaking out of your butt hair two weeks after the holiday finishes but I could still do without it being, y’know, on me. I prefer the shade as I get older. Perhaps it’s because I work outside and can’t escape the relentless solar onslaught whilst I’m out on delivery, but I will absolutely fork out for an object with a back rest away from the sand and a giant umbrella these days rather than sitting bolt upright in the middle of a sarong, gingerly brushing sand off the corners just to save a few quid.

That was a lovely day of flesh-crisping. Enjoyed that. Couldn’t do it every day or I’d die of boredom but it’s definitely a very necessary thing whilst you’re on your hols I think. We headed back to the apartment to shower and change then just pottered around Budva hassling the many, many cats and applying various beers to our faceholes. The cats though! It’s always quite the effort not to return to the UK with armloads of hissing felines when we visit somewhere with a high stray cat population. They’re clearly cared for, there’s food and water out for them but I can’t help thinking they’d also be happy at our house, shredding our furniture, and shitting in the neighbour’s plant pots.

And the beer. The beer you’ll see everywhere is Nikšićko and it’s a generic piss water lager but we will continue to drink it in unrecommended quantities because it’s The Done Thing™. It is not delicious but it’s cold and refreshing and that’s all we ask from a beer when it’s hotter than the devil’s arsehole after curry night. It doesn’t need to change lives, it just has to stop my face from melting. You don’t HAVE to drink it, it’s not the law, Tuborg also seems to be immensely popular here, that’s what we chucked down our necks on the beach all day.

Anyway, Montenegro is off to a cracking start then. Tomorrow we head towards Bar for a night before we begin the meander north. I’m already used to driving on the right, I haven’t gone for a gear stick that doesn’t exist to the left of me, now I just need to accept that Montenegrins will drive so fucking close to you that I can see the whites of their eyes in the rear view mirror and I’m not to take it personally.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Budva, Budva Municipality, Montenegro

Stayed at: Apartments Petkovic Budva, Budva

Useful shit to know…

• Tourist registration is a piece of piss, you just need to know the name of the registered owner and the address of where you’re staying.
• You’ll also need your passport. The original, not a photo or a copy.
• It’s €1 per person per night, plus a 30c fee.
• You’re given two copies of a pink slip; one for you, one for the owner.

• The beach in Budva rents out two sunbeds and a parasol for €15.
• At Mogran Beach it was €20 for one sunbed and a parasol. But you did get a parasol each. If you’re happy on the back row it’s €15 for a sunbed and a parasol.
• Mogran II looked to be even more expensive but the sunbeds were a bit more flashy.