We spent three nights in the 6^th smallest country in the world. We flew into Zürich on account of Liechtenstein having exactly fuck all airports, caught a train to the border then bussed into the country and headed straight for the Hofkellerei des Fürsten von Liechtenstein (the winery of the Prince of Liechtenstein) to apply various wines to our faceholes. There are vineyards all over the country. Some of them are owned by the prince but a lot are owned by hobbyists who sell their grapes to the winery. But the majority of the Hofkellerei’s operations are in Austria, on account of the fact they’re originally from there. I mean, we’re talking back in the day when you just had to hope a Habsburg didn’t turn around too quickly and brain you with that fuck off big jaw.

At 3pm they have a tasting session whereby they show you around the vineyard just outside, the room where they bottle the wine and label the bottles, and various barrels and big metal vats, the use of which I probably should have written down before consuming wine on an empty stomach. We were shown a room with bottles of wine which may or may not still be drinkable without drawing your gums back over your teeth from throughout the years. Old wine. Very old wine. The young guide invited us to try and find a bottle from the year of our birth but they didn’t go back as far as the early eighties so yeah. Thanks for that. Good job you’re about to hand me a load of wine, lady!

Then they sit you down and you get to try six wines. They’re particularly well known for their pinot noir. Obviously we were given lots of useful information about each bottle which I promptly forgot, but I was particularly intrigued by the Eiswein. Made from Grüner Veltliner grapes which are apparently a very popular Austrian varietal, they have to be harvested once they’re had a few consecutive days of -8°C. They’re pressed whilst frozen too. I was curious how climate change was affecting the ability to harvest this wine and apparently it can’t be done every year. It’s sweet, a dessert wine, and I am quite fond of a dessert wine. I don’t know how much a bottle of this would cost but given how much of a ballache it is to harvest I would imagine I’ll probably just stick to a nice sherry after my dinner.

After the wine we caught a bus into Schaan, checked into our hotel and headed out in search of food products. Despite the ruling family being descended from Austrians, Liechtenstein has a very Swiss influence. This meant that I could shovel as much cordon bleu into my chops as possible over the next few days whilst mumbling things about “local food” and “immersing oneself in the culture”, spraying breadcrumbs and cheese at anyone who got too close. I think I’m starting to use these short breaks as an excuse to consume my body weight in dead things and dairy.

We’d had an early start that morning, even early by my stupid postie standards, so we headed back to the hotel to try and get some sleep in a hotel that didn’t seem to believe in fans. We knew there wouldn’t be AC, it’s not common around here. But why the actual fuck would you not have fans in a country that touches the late twenties? It was easily into the 30s today too. Also I’m a Woman of a Certain Age now and my internal organs are on fire. We had French windows opening up onto a tiny balcony and admittedly beautiful views, so we opened them as wide as possible and hoped Liechtenstein was as safe as it appeared to be so far.

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Vaduz, Liechtenstein

Stayed at: Kloster by b_smart, Schaan

Useful shit to know…

• It’s easy enough to catch a train from Zürich airport to the border. You can use the SBB app to book it and you might need to change at the main train station.
• There’s a direct train from the airport to Buchs SG at 23 minutes past the hour but it takes a long time and costs more than just getting to the Hauptbahnhof in Zürich then changing to catch a train to Sagrans.

• If you’re staying overnight in Liechtenstein your hotel will email you a Welcome Pass. This is free, it’ll give you discounts at selected attractions, and it gives you free public transport all over Liechtenstein. This includes the buses over the border from Buchs and Sagrans.
• You can upgrade to a paid version that gets you free entry into selected attractions.

• The Hofkellerei has tastings Monday to Friday at 3pm, and 2pm on Saturdays.
• If there are less than six of you, you don’t need to book. You can just rock up.
• It’s CHF19 per person.

• Bussing around the country is a piece of piss. All the routes are on Google Maps and seem accurate.
• You don’t need to show your Welcome Pass when you get on, you just board and they trust you have a ticket.
• I did see people buying tickets on the bus too so that’s an option if you don’t have a Welcome Pass, or you can use the SBB app.