The reason I wanted us to camp here within the Biogradska Gora National Park was because I knew it’d be chaos when the day trippers were here. I wanted us to experience the calm when they left which I’m sure Tarrant did but I was too busy with my head down the toilet. At least we got to sit by the lake in the morning and enjoy the peace and quiet as I slowly introduced a coffee to my digestive system. I was feeling a lot better. I mean, I felt like I’d been sick because I very much had but what little sleep I’d managed to get had done me a world of good. I even managed to get my stomach to accept solid food in the form of noodles. God bless you, noodles. You never let me down.

We’d wanted to do the little walk around the lake. I decided I could probably do it. It’s billed as an “educational path”. Children can do it. Am I weaker than a child? Don’t answer that. I figured we could have a bash at it anyway which we did once we’d packed up and loaded the car. It really is a very chilled walk with plenty of benches along the way should your body wonder what the fuck you thought you were doing walking round a lake so soon after being ill. You can catch glimpses of the lake through the trees, or at least you would be able to if there were any lake to speak of. It was so very low after such a dry summer. We took it easy though I did have to have a little lie down at one point. Ugh. I’ve still no idea what was wrong with me, though I can be quite feral. I probably touched something I shouldn’t have, then put my dirty fingers in my mouth and gave myself a stomach bug.

It was a pleasant morning though and by the time we got back to the car the park was starting to fill up with tour groups. We headed off down the long, winding road to the barrier where we were approached by a staff member who told us the bridge was blocked until 1pm. It was currently 11.30. Had there been an accident or something? Nope, turns out it was a protest, which started at 11am. I wish someone had told us this was going to happen, honestly, we’d just have left rather than dragging my unwilling carcass around the bloody lake. We couldn’t do anything about it so we headed back to the lake for the duration.

Anyway. The most direct way from Biogradska Gora to our next destination would be along the P4, except the P4 had been blocked in the middle due to a landslide for long enough that one could probably safely assume they never planned to reopen it. Google suggested we take the P10 which would actually give us the opportunity to look at another spomenik, plus a viewpoint which I’d labelled as “do not miss this” in my notes. But it looked wiggly on the map. So very wiggly. And because the P4 was closed I thought the wiggly road might be a bit busier than it otherwise would be. We had no choice though really, I’d just have to be a Big Brave Girl and get on with the two hours of bum-clenching terror.

Turns out I had fuck all to worry about, there’s nothing wrong with the P10 at all. Turns out it’s a glorious road wide enough for two vehicles at a time and I don’t care if the road has more hairpins than a drag queen in a two foot wig, if you can fit two vehicles side by side without anyone having to bury themselves in a ditch then I’m happy. It even has lines down the middle. Luxury! Not that that means drivers will stick to their own side of the road when belting round blind corners but I’ll take it.

The spomenik was a little roadside affair in the small village of Pavino Polje. We pulled over, took a quick photo and carried on towards this viewpoint past-me had insisted we should absolutely see. I tend to do this during the research stage. I’ll pin-drop something in Organic Maps then I’ll fail to note WHY I’ve deemed it worthy to rub our eyeballs all over. Or I’ll leave future-me some manner of cryptic message somehow thinking I’ll remember what I was on about despite the fact I have never, not once, ever remembered what I was on about. Anyway. Well done, past-me, for insisting we visit the Meandri Ćehotine viewpoint because it’s a banger. What you’ll find yourself gawping at is the Ćehotine river meandering dramatically through a stunner of a landscape. Again, like with everything else water based, the river was very low and I’m sure it’s even more spectacular in full flow but that’ll do, pig.

So Google Maps which we were using as a satnav insisted we head back the way we came so we did, until we came to a new road which we thought it was sending us down. Except it wasn’t. We watched as the arrow wandered off-piste on a road that apparently didn’t exist. We think the old road had been swallowed by the new road and no one had bothered telling the Knower Of All Things yet. I tried to plot another route and Google was like, “What are you doing here you crazy person? Go back the way you came and turn left, obviously :)” Oh you little shit. Fine. Back we went, past the viewpoint and onwards to aforementioned left turn which just got narrower, became unsealed, got even more narrow and basically became a 4WD track with grass growing out of the middle. Was Google trying to fucking kill us? Had my phone been hacked by organ harvesters and they were sending us to our deaths? Mate, you can have a fucking kidney but ask nicely and give me a cut of the profits. We did eventually find a way by reading the map the old school way and forcing the route the way we wanted it to go, but yeah. Be aware of that. Just because it looks like a road it might not actually be a fucking road.

Eventually, later than planned, we rocked up to our accommodation, Kljajevica Orchard, not a huge distance from the Tara Bridge. We’d initially intended to camp here, but Tarrant still doesn’t have full range in her mangled leg, and was finding getting in and out of the tent a bit difficult. It turned out they had these little cabins on Booking dot com so we booked out of those. Great plan! It was rustic but comfortable and our hosts greeted us when they got back from a wedding and offered us rakija. We had to temporarily decline, because we still needed food. They seemed a little disappointed but I explained via the medium of charades that I had to drive to the restaurant to get dinner. Okay so it wasn’t even a mile up the road but I’d not eaten and when we tried the rakija at the winery in Virpazar I felt like I could breathe fire. I wouldn’t want it to temporarily dissolve the braincells I needed to change gear or, y’know, what little was left of my stomach lining. We’d do the payment, registration and braincell dissolution upon our return.

Restaurant Suza Evrope, like all the roadside restaurants, served proper Montenegrin food which you could consume whilst gawping at the famous beautiful Tara Canyon, assuming Google hadn’t tried to kill you and you’d arrived at a reasonable hour. This time we opted for a karađorđeva šnicla each which is, and this will not shock you, a variation on meat and cheese. It is some manner of dead thing, I think pork in this case, rolled up with kaymak which is a very soft, spreadable cheese that I’m a little bit in love with, breadcrumbed and deep fried. I managed to coax my poor tortured stomach, which was still only roughly the size of a walnut by now, to accept half of it and some chips. It was good though. Probably a close second to the ćevapi which I could probably eat until I had to be rolled out of the country on the back of a flatbed.

When we got back the owners met us on the terrace for rakija and chats via Google Translate because they didn’t speak English and our Montenegrin doesn’t stretch too far beyond blank staring. The accommodation is a side hustle, we were in a plum orchard and it was harvest season. We’d watched a couple, I’m assuming workers, shaking the trees to get the plums out of them. The owners’ daughter, who does speak English and had been my WhatsApp contact, invited us to pick plums from their garden and they were delicious. So obviously the rakija here is made from plums. They had a couple of other varieties, Tarrant preferred the peach, but I still wasn’t feeling 100% human just yet so I sipped my plum derived liver rot very slowly so I didn’t have to offend them by refusing their homemade drink again. I would not be surprised if variations of this exist that send you blind.

Jump to “Useful shit to know…”

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Biogradsko Jezero, Kolašin – Kanjon Tare, Pljevlja, Montenegro

Stayed at: Kljajevica Orchard, nr. Tara Bridge

Useful shit to know…

• The Pavino Polje spomenik is at 43.165566, 19.615908.
• The Meandri Ćehotine viewpoint has its own parking at the end of a well tarmacked but very narrow road.
• Google doesn’t know this road exists and you will overshoot the turn off as it tries to get you as close as possible. The entrance to the road is at 43.281921, 19.437361.
• I’m honestly not sure what route Google was going for when we were trying to get to Tara Bridge, but from the Meandri Ćehotine viewpoint just turn left and head into Pljevlja. You can pick up the northern end of the P4 which will take you straight down to the bridge. It’s a long way around but it will save you SO MUCH hassle.